....."THE FIRST RAIN & THE LAST LOVE"........

It was the first rain of the season when i met her, she catched my eyes in that busy out patient department. Dressed in complete black punjaabi dress with a beutiful smile on her face, a thin line of kaajal and a small black bindi in the centre of her forehead.
I was sitting in the corner most chair of the opd, the reason being that i will face least number of patients. she walked straight towards me & sat on the chair next to me. It was the first rain of the season and the sound of the raindrops falling on the banana leaves was creating an aura within me.
she started ......"good morning sir".
i said.........." how can i help you young lady"?
she said ...."i am having a severe headache & progressive weakness in my right arm & rt. leg since 15 days.
on investigating we found a tumor in the left cerebral cortex.Three days have passed and we had planned to operate on her, i did not had the guts to tell her from wht disease she is suffering from. A number of questions were running through my mind.She was only 22, why she has to suffer from such a deadly tumor? Another question which was worrying me was wether she wil recover fully after surgery or not. Finally i gathered some courage and told her that we will be operating on her for a small tumor inside her head & that she will be allright after the surgery.
she asked......."what if the surgery fail?..........."will i die or will i have to live with some disability??
Finally the day arived and operated her, it took 8 hours to completely remove the tumor, unfortunately she could not regain her consciousness fully, leaving her and her family with little hope of recovery, due to some anaesthetic complication, probabaly hypoxic brain injury due to such a long duration of surgery.she was transfered to "surgical icu(SICU)" with a endotracheal tube.Rupali was in SICU in bed no -9 with all kind of tubings, and chest leads.

she was semiconscious, pale due to blood lose, weak and her long hairs were already chopped off before surgery. she could not speak,her vision had decreased and she was not able to identify familiar faces.

But beyond all this i saw a quite pretty innocent face. I went into the flashback when i first saw her in the opd with a background music of raindrops falling over the banana tree.
I walked close to her, i tried to talk to her but she could not speak. I gave her a peice of paper and a pen and asked her .."can i do something for you"?
she nodded her head and blinked her eyes.I brought the paper close to her and she wrote with a trembling hand ........"C-L-A-S-S-M-A-T-E"...........,,,,,i was confused, she continued......................."A- B-O-Y"........"M-I-S-S-H-I-M-A-L-O-T"..........

Here was a 20 something girl who might live for few more days, and she wanted to see her boyfriend.I did not knew what to do or say, for one moment i forgot that i was in the team of surgeons who operated her. Are we responsiblt for her condition ? many thoughts ran through my mind.

A senior of mine who witnessed all this pulled me aside and said........."look dilip, i understand that it may be difficult for you to get used to all this, but this the reality.Dont get emotional, u just cant fulfill every patients trivial need"

I knew that my senior wanted to give me some comfort, but there was something that was pushing me from inside.That day i could not work.The surgeon within me was trying very hard to kill the dilip inside me.I went home , thinking about all this. I was angry on myself, that i could have done something for her, i could have asked her to write the phone number so that i could call him and let her talk.

Next morning, after a worried and sleepless night, i went to SICU to see her.
i asked........" do you have his phone number?"........she blinked her eyes. she started to write the number, her hand writing was unclear and incomprhensible. With extreme difficulty and a after a number of permutation & combination i got the correct number. I read out the number and she again blinked her eyes and gave me a "thumbs-up".

I called up the number, but no one answered. I told her that i will again call up in the evening and let you know tomorrow, she again blinked her eyes and gave me a thumbs up.

It was a huge challange for me, i was a surgery resident i knew how to take history, i know how to examine & operate, but calling the boyfriend of a patient who might pass away any time? I was not trained to do so. what will i tell if he asks me how she is? Should i tell him that his girllfriend could not talk & cannot identify familiar faces.Should i tell him that she might pass away any time?

The more i was thinking about her the more i was regreting that why i ever got involved in her. But ultimately i had given my words, I had made a promise, i must keep it no matter what happens.

I dialled the number, he picked up the call................."hello he said".....
i started....." i am a resident in neurosurgery, are you rupali's friend ?
after a silence and with a puzzeled cold voice he answered..." yes i am"......."how is she"? his voice seemed cold and almost disinterested. I thought that i was wasting my time and effort.

I said...."she is operated two days back,now she cannot talk, cannot see properly & she might pass away anytime. she wanted me to call you & see if you are all right ? i continued in a awkward tone.

ummmmm....he uttered with a pause., ........"tell her that i am fine & ask her to take more rest"....thank you very much. i hung up the phone.

I was thinking ...does he feels the same as she feels? Does he not care about her ? Is there something which kept him from showing his emotions? does he loves rupali? what if rupali has never expressed herself? I started my dinner in my room, didnt go to mess. My mind was still absorbed with thier thoughts.
About after 15 mins my phone rang. It was his number. This time his tone was totally diferent, i could feel that he really cared for her, but unfortunately i was not in the hospital. It was already 10.00 PM, i said....." will it be okay to talk after 15 mins"?
.....yes.... he said.

Our hospital was 5 mins drive from my hostle, i went straight into the SICU , i was in my night dress, a small half pant and a t-shirt with a lakhani chappal. My seniors and the nursing staff was surprised to see me in such a ..."AVATAAR" in the hospital. Everyone was staring at me as if i have done a crime, may be they were thinking that i have gone crazy.

I was near the bed no-9 in SICU, her condition had deteriorated. she had developed pneumonia and she was less alert than she was in the morning.
...... "can you hear me".....? i asked. She opened her eyes slightly and blinked once.... i continued..." i called him and told him that you are missing him".....i said.
....." do you want to talk to him?".....i continued.
she again nodded her head.
..." do you want me to call him now?...i continued.

I could not exactly tell if she responded to me, but i decided to call him anyways. He picked up the phone, i told him that i am standing few meters away from her and that she cannot talk but she can hear you.
All the nusing staff and few seniors were watching all these, may be i was doing something which no surgery resident will ever do,may be i was wrong for few seniors. But a promise is a promise.

I brought the phone next to her ears.............." she trembeled at sound of his voice", after few minutes she made some noice which i colud not understand. i held the phone close to her ears untill she began waving her hands. I looked at my cell & saw that the call was over.

Although she was not able to smile, but i could feel that she was very happy, she blinked her eyes twice & tried to give me a" thumbs up" but failed. I hold her hand, it was cold & cyanosed(blue) due to falling oxygen saturation in the blood. she had started to develop respirotary failure due to pnuemonia.

I stood near her bed for few minutes. Remembering the first rain of the season. Few drops of tear rolled out of my eyes and i ran out of the SICU.
By then it had started raining very heavily. I reached hostle fully soaked in
rain water. As i reached my room (no 11) in the pg block, i got a message from the boy.
The message said........."I DONT KNOW YOUR NAME,BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR GESTURE. IF I EVER GOT AN OPPORTUNITY I WILL THANK YOU PERSONALLY. PLEASE TELL HER TO TAKE MORE REST, I AM WAITING FOR HER TO COME BACK. PLEASE TELL HER NOT TO FORGET THE THINGS I TOLD HER. THANK YOU FOR HELPING US." ......

That night i could not sleep,any how i wanted her to survive. Next morning i went to see her in the SICU.......bed number-9 was vacant, nursing staff told me that she passed away at 5.00 am due to respiratory failure & hypoxic brain injurry.

I did not know what to feel, i was speechless. I was overwhelmed with emotions, i knew that being a surgeon meant not being overtly involved with patients. But sometimes it is very difficult to draw a line when you are facing issued of
'LOVE & DEATH".

I KNEW THAT I DID THE RIGHT THING BY EXTENDING MY ARMS A LITTLE BIT.